this goodbye felt too real
What is a real goodbye? Why would one feel more real over the other one? It’s the weight. Saying goodbye to someone you will see the next day doesn’t weigh the same as saying it to someone you won’t see again.
Obviously you wouldn’t care about someone you met at an airplane so deeply. A little chat and a goodbye doesn’t hurt only because you won’t see this person ever again. I’ll get to airplane chats another day.
But today when I said goodbye to her, it hit me hard. Though it was a delayed response. Just how adrenaline would kick in when you had an accident, I felt little pain in my chest until I got back home. That’s when I got hit by the truck. Starting with the thought that I would never see her again. To the little note she left me. The date, the name she signed with, the smiles she put… all pointing to our goodbye. The little plushie that smiles so brightly and with its little funny bumps. Just like how I procrastinate during daily life, I think I do the same with my feelings. Instead of feeling in the moment, I think I choose to feel them when I can't hold back the waves of emotion, I end up drowning in the process.
I have this happen when I say goodbye to my father. When I go to travel overseas, I say goodbye to everyone and I don't have any doubt that I won't see them again. But something happens when I say goodbye to my dad at the airport, but not when I hug him and say goodbye, but when I scan my ticket and go through security. That moment intense emotions of sadness, fear and melancholy. I can't hold back the tears and I feel my feelings then and there.
Back to her. I think I said goodbye to her 9, maybe 10 times. Now all these goodbyes hurt, I cried in her arms, I cried walking away from her room, I cried waiting for the cab to go back home. Though each goodbye felt less real to me. I try to be a logical person and looking at the variables what we can see is: 1st goodbye-least amount of time I know her-but I think this goodbye is real(+9 sadness), 2nd goodbye-we spent a little more time together-but there is a 10% chance we will be back together(+8 sadness), 3rd goodbye-we spent a little more than a little more time together-but there is a 20% chance we will be back together(+7 sadness)... and this goes on.
A goodbye turned into something that didn't scare me anymore. What is a goodbye if it is a promise to see that person again.
Last night, the last night I would be with her didn't feel like a real goodbye. Or maybe it was my brain procrastinating on the goodbye. Refusing to process it till later. In the morning of our last night, I said goodbye and made my way home.
Just like you would have a voicemail alert on your phone, or a notification bleep I had an emotional notification. ALERT Unzipping compressed emotions prepare for wave 1
Oh... I got away with just a nostalgic thought and teary eyes? Wait, let me take a look at that envelope with the message again... oh no.... ALERT Wave 2 Commencing... wait, I have to take a look at that plushie with the smile ALERT Wave 2 has upgraded to level 4 ALERT To avoid complete meltdown please do not read her blog post ALERT You did it didn't you
And that's how a fantasy goodbye, a theoretical goodbye, an imaginary goodbye became an all so real one. The data did lie, or maybe I lied to myself. Real tears, real emotion real cries echoed through my walls.
Goodbye.